“There is a kind of crying I hope you have not experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but a crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, not just to you but to everyone you know and to everyone you don’t know and even the people you don’t want to know, a crying that cannot be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face.”—Lemony Snicket (via selfinspiration)
“You have to start seeing yourself as your truthful friends see you. As long as you remain blind to your own truth, you keep putting yourslef down and referring to everone else as better, holier, and more loved than you are. You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty, and love because you do not see any of these qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realizing that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet.”—Henri Nouwen
Today is a hard day to even entertain the notion of a Higher Power. With all of the suffering happening to those in group, how can anyone believe in a kind, fair, and just Being if the suffering of those in this group is only multiplied when looking at the world as a whole? Maybe the only people who can save us are ourselves. It certainly feels that way today, and with all of this anxiety, depression, and personal strife, that is a big burden to dig out from to become a savior as well. I would like to believe, but it would be inauthentic and disingenuous to say I had any faith—I barely have faith in myself. What more do you want from me?
“”Remember that intellectual knowledge does not hold and sustain you. Knowledge only becomes real wisdom when you experience it with your own Heart and Being.”—Yogi Bhajan 1/1/03 (via yogaprivatelessons)
7 July 2011: My uncle killed himself Sunday morning. Police investigators showed up to my grandfather’s home Tuesday morning confirming the suicide. Security cameras at the local gas station showed him filling up three anti-freeze containers with gasoline and two lighters, and a witness called 911 when she saw his car in flames. He had 4th degree burns on his lower half and 3rd degree burns everywhere else. My grandfather decided to take him off life support on Sunday evening.
Two of my uncles have killed themselves in the past 5 years. Saying that depression is a problem in this family may be an understatement. What the hell.
12 July 2012: Today, a lot just feels numb, in all honesty. Trying to figure out numbers has been hard. Is this a family curse? Are we doomed to fall apart, to fall away? And the rest of us, are we going to just strip away out emotions, our ability to express ourselves as individuals? Why won’t anyone talk about anything that really matters?
How can you say that Dick’s death was “for the better?” How can you ever say that a person’s death is for the better? How can you ever say that someone’s suicide was for the better? Everyone has the right to live, to thrive. Something was wrong that could be fixed, and no one stepped forward to help. I should have helped.